Good Grief- A Bo’s Place Training
Many people are familiar with the 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These 5 stages are often seen as the answer to helping people work through their grief, however; it is more of a process to help those who are dying work through the emotions of their own death. When supporting yourself and others through the loss of a loved one, it is important to sit and be present with the feelings.
I recently had the pleasure of learning about the Four Tasks of Mourning by participating in a Bo’s Place Training for Helping Professionals. The Four Tasks of Mourning is a term coined by psychology professor William Warden. Within these tasks are the inner workings of helping someone through the grief process.
Accept the reality of the loss
Process the pain of grief
Adjust to a world without the deceased
Find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life
Grief is unique and will look different for everyone. These pillars of mourning help us understand the grief process as more than a list to achieve each task, but as a journey of building a new relationship with the dead or dying.
Accepting the reality of the loss.
This is often seen when a person experiences denial of the deceased. However, this idea of accepting this new reality can come and go in many different ways of someone's experience. For example, a child might need constant gentle reminders of the fact that someone has died; where an adult might accept the loss and be able to acknowledge that loss by participating in rituals or activities that honor the death. For some this can be a way for others to say goodbye and have a sense of closure. Oftentimes this acceptance comes with downplaying our emotions to help make their death easier, but it's important to always remember what that person meant to you.
Processing the pain of grief
This is often an ongoing process and requires active participation in feeling the feelings when you experience grief. Important tasks are to allow oneself to cry. Try to set aside time each day for reflection. It is important to carve out time in your schedule to sit with the grief and acknowledge your feelings. Some examples to try for yourself are journaling just 5 to 10 minutes and to write about whatever comes to mind allowing your internal feelings to be externally expressed. Another example is trying to connect with your creative side by coloring, drawing, painting, listening to music or even making a playlist to help express your feelings.
Adjusting to a world without the deceased
This task is tied directly to the individual person experiencing a loss. This adjustment will depend greatly on the relationship one had with their deceased so it is important to consider the different internal, external, and spiritual aspects of how life will look when “normal” is completely and fundamentally altered.
Let’s focus on three broad types of adjustments.
External adjustment: relates to how the family will adjust to life when tasks are now assigned to others in the family or even in the community. If one parent always picks up from soccer practice, and that parent has died, the task of finding and adjusting to a new routine will have to take place.
Internal adjustment: refer to changes within oneself and most notably one's self-image or sense of self. Your title of who you are has changed, for example, you might now be referred to as a widow/widower.
Spiritual adjustment: relates to how death has affected your beliefs, values, and ideals of the world. For some this can bring them closer to their religious roots and upbringings, but it can also distance one from those spiritual beliefs that they once had.
The main takeaway of task 3 is to be patient with yourself while you are in this adjustment period. Check in with yourself and try your best to connect with people who care about you.
Finding an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life.
While this is the final task on the list, it does not need to happen last. Really it is a collective of all of the tasks and Worden notes that while you are never finished grieving the deceased, you are beginning a new part of your life without your loved one. We establish a new relationship with the deceased by incorporating the following: setting aside time for reflection each day, writing letters to the deceased person, keeping a photo or belonging of the deceased with you, allowing children to find their own meaningful connection, accepting your emotions, trying to find new hobbies and lastly continuing to do the things that you used to enjoy.
Death is a topic not many people enjoy talking about, but it is imperative that we do. What’s most important about your experience is that you remember that it is your own experience and that there is support available should you need it.
Bo’s Place provides group therapy for children as young as 3 all the way to 18 years old. They also have groups for families or adults in English and Spanish. Bo’s Place does not provide individual or family counseling sessions.
For more information about Bo’s Place, please visit their website:
If you are looking for more support in your grief journey please know you are not alone and we are here to help.
Thank you for being here,
Zoe
