Contempt: The Silent Marriage Killer (and How to Stop It)
It's the eye-roll when your partner starts talking. The sarcastic "Oh, great job" after a mistake. The sigh that says, Here we go again. Or the joke at their expense in front of friends.
It can seem small, but it isn't. Of all the ways couples hurt each other, contempt does the most damage.
What contempt looks like
Contempt is more than anger. Anger says, I'm upset with what you did. Contempt says, I'm better than you. It treats your partner as someone beneath you rather than someone you're on the same team with.
Contempt often shows up as:
Eye-rolling, scoffing, or sneering
Sarcasm and mockery
Name-calling or insults
Mimicking your partner's voice or words
"Jokes" that aren't really jokes
Correcting or talking down to your partner, especially in front of others
Most couples who fall into contempt didn't start there. It builds slowly, out of resentment that hasn't been dealt with, needs that keep going unmet, and arguments that never get resolved.
Why contempt is so destructive
Research shows that contempt is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. In a study that followed couples for 14 years, contempt and other negative emotions during conflict predicted which couples would divorce earlier in their marriages (Gottman & Levenson, 2000).
Contempt also makes conflict more dangerous. Research shows that contempt in romantic relationships is linked to more aggression toward a partner (Karppinen et al., 2023). When one partner feels superior, arguments stop being about solving a problem and become attacks on the person.
The damage doesn't stay inside the relationship. Research shows that relationship distress drives individual symptoms such as anxiety and depression. In a study of 150 couples in therapy, the level of distress in the relationship predicted changes in each partner's mental health more strongly than the reverse (Tilden et al., 2025). When a marriage is full of contempt, both partners suffer.
The antidote: appreciation
The opposite of contempt is appreciation. Contempt looks for what is wrong with your partner. Appreciation looks for what is right.
Research shows that gratitude protects relationships. In a study of 562 couples, partners who felt more grateful reported higher relationship satisfaction and commitment. They also grew more committed over time, even when their partner felt less grateful (Park et al., 2023). One partner's gratitude also increased gratitude in both partners over time.
Research also shows that gratitude matters when couples face stress together. In a study of 163 long-term couples, supporting each other through stress led to more gratitude, and that gratitude led to higher relationship satisfaction for both partners (Roth et al., 2024).
Here are a few places to start:
Name one thing you appreciate every day. Be specific: "Thank you for handling bedtime tonight. I needed that."
Complain without attacking. Say "I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is left a mess" instead of "You're such a slob."
Catch the eye-roll. Notice the moment contempt shows up, pause, and say what you actually need.
Remember why you chose each other. Contempt grows when you forget the good. Remind yourself on purpose.
When to get help
If contempt has become a pattern, it's hard to break on your own. It usually covers up deeper hurt that needs a safe place to come out.
Couples counseling works. Research shows that improving the relationship reduces depressive symptoms and increases satisfaction for both partners (Mitchell et al., 2024). The earlier you start, the more you have to build on.
Couples counseling in Houston with Christian Fuentes
Christian Fuentes, LMFT-Associate, provides couples counseling in Houston at Well Mind Body. He trained in Marriage and Family Therapy at the University of Houston–Clear Lake. He helps couples break destructive patterns, work through resentment, and rebuild respect and connection.
Christian's approach is collaborative and strength-based. He doesn't take sides. He helps you both see what is still working in your relationship and build on it, while changing the patterns that are pulling you apart.
Contempt doesn't have to be the end of your story. Book a couples session with Christian Fuentes →
Well Mind Body Integrative Psychotherapy & Wellness
3801 Kirby Drive, Suite 344, Houston, TX 77098
wellmindbody.co
References
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00737.x
Karppinen, H., King, O., & Russell, P. S. (2023). Hostile emotions and close relationships: Anger can be related to constructive responses. Personality and Individual Differences, 212, Article 112258. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2023.112258
Mitchell, E. A., Roberson, P. N. E., DiPillo, M., Cordova, J. V., & Gordon, K. C. (2024). Improvements in depressive symptoms following a brief relationship intervention. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 50(1), 120–135. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12673
Park, Y., Gordon, A., Humberg, S., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2023). Differing levels of gratitude between romantic partners: Concurrent and longitudinal links with satisfaction and commitment in six dyadic datasets. Personality Science, 4(1), Article 10537. https://doi.org/10.5964/ps.10537
Roth, M., Good, N., Ledermann, T., Landolt, S. A., Weitkamp, K., & Bodenmann, G. (2024). Building happier bonds: Gratitude as a mediator between dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction in romantic couples. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, Article 1452397. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1452397
Tilden, T., Tilden, S., Bæverfjord, J. E. B., Dammeyer, J., Johnson, S. U., & Whittaker, K. J. (2025). The interplay between relationship dissatisfaction and individual symptoms: Insights from dyadic analyses. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 51(3), Article e70039. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.70039
